Confession

I confess I am lost

without hope

free falling through life

doing enough to barely

keep breathing

is that enough?

To live with each breathe

holding onto this existence

through inhaling and exhaling

in the most basic of actions,

hoping death doesn’t come

filling the lungs with air and

expelling carbon dioxide.

It seems so little a thing to do

when a new plague

robs people of this

simple action

taking their lives

by taking away

the abililty to breathe.

Can't be silent

(for George Floyd and others)

Well I can’t keep silent anymore

I’ve got to say my peace

else it’s just going to make me sick

I have to say I love you

and I can’t see you being hurt anymore

Stop hurting my friend, can’t you see

he’s innocent.

Why do you stomp him down

with your fear?

He’s just trying to breathe,

needing to live like the rest of us

we need to live together,

why can’t you let him live?

Why do you choose to choke the life out of him?

Stop, don’t shoot, don’t hate, just breathe and think.

Choose love, choose peace and choose kindness

don’t be silent, stop this madness.

Ghosts

 My home is filled with ghosts

it is a haunted house.

Like those eerie places

where holocausts have occurred

covered in a thick layer of genocidal misery

from violent acts that have torn souls 

away from this world.

The spirits and bad energy linger in the air

making me uneasy

giving me goosebumps

and the strange sensation

someone is trying to whisper something to me

but I cannot make out the words.

Memories flash in my mind as I am where my childhood was played out.

Each step brings me back to the memories and people who will never return.

For one moment and I am a child.

I wish I had been kinder, taken more time to appreciate them.

I turn to look for those beautiful souls, and they are gone 

like that sinking feeling when a once vibrant house is now still

the soul is abscent.

I'm always more and more alone as family and friends disappear.

One moment they are here, I can touch them, I feel them,

talk to them, bask in their company, have their advice

and support.

Their laughter and tears are my music.

Then there is silence, and the memories haunt me reminding me they are gone,

my home is filled with ghosts.

Be as a child

I want to be like a child

in awe of the world around me

generous with love and affection

accepting of change, always

growing and learning.

I want to always expect the best

and even if it doesn't happen

simply continue to hope

get back up and move through

life with a  naive energy

which keeps you moving

in a mixture of creativity,

curiosity and determination.

Children are so flexible

they are like a cup filling

and overflowing with water

A piece of magic

when the world seems dark

be like a child

live with hope

and endless faith.

Endeavour

A funny thing about the heart

is that it keeps beating

even though it's broken.

Even if the pieces go missing

it still keeps you alive.

Unless it has something else wrong with it

the heartbreak won't kill you.

Even though you feel dead on the inside

it keeps ticking along.

Why? Because that's the way life is supposed to be lived

always shuffling forward.

Children are pushing the years onwards impatiently

willing the time to move more quickly,

youth makes us want to run

in a hurry to achieve something.

Other moments life make us stop

like smashing into a light pole at high speed.

We survive the car crashes life gives us,

 slowly re-habilitating ourselves,

because even though we are forced to stop at times

to catch our breath, we never can stop the moment.

It helps us this motion, keeps us putting one foot in front of the other

this gives us a future to look forward to, a past filled with memories,

a way to cope with loss, disappointment and grief.

We are humans who survive it all, growing through strength and love.

Passing on our intuition, drive and knowledge onto the universe

who takes us always onwards.

About grief

I know a little bit about grief.

It's the moment you realise

you cannot go back on your own steps

you can't make it better

or say I love you again

 see someone's face every day,

hear their laugh, trace the outline of their smile,

hold their hand or give them a hug.

When you learn what it feels like to run out of time.

No more silent pauses in conversations

seeing them across the table,

passing the salad bowl at dinner.

All of those moments you take for granted

stop in your mind,

they are gathered up in memories

and the grieving begins.

I've learnt grief isn't bad,

it's all we have, really,

for our tears are our love

which used to go out

towards those we love.

After they are gone it has nowhere to go,

so our unexpressed love

becomes our grief.

And as our passion is as undying,

as our mourning.

This will never leave

not until our dying days.

It may seem ironic

but I hope we never

stop grieving

because it keeps our

dearly departed near us.

Life doesn't stop

when someone dies,

it merely shifts

and changes into another

gear and somehow

we live with it.

Affirmations

I don’t care what other people think of me because I’m intelligent, empathetic, sensitive, creative, reflective, and worthy.

I’m willing to take up space, contribute, make something new and create worthy connections in the world.

I’m here to seek knowledge and understanding, listen and see different points of view.

I want to be a kind ear, an encouraging and reassuring voice for others.

I’m growing every day, making mistakes and stumbling along, always moving forward and looking to become a better person.

I can change my mind and opinions because life is about evolving and living this moment at its greatest potential.

Dream of Blue

I dreamt of blue

a deep dark Russian blue

I painted with my blue 

and it made me feel like 

I was swimming in the sea.

Usually, I’m frightened when I

see this deepness in the ocean

as soon as I see the change

in the underwater light

so dark as to hide the seafloor

I panic and flee back to shore

anything can be hiding in the depths.

It terrifies me.

But inside of my dark blue

I am safe, fascinated by its

possibility and swaddled

inside the murky beauty.

Two poems dedicated to opera

On Hearing Verdi’s Requiem

Fragile beauty gives way to pulsating fluctuations

enigmatic expressions of epic grief

Such is the end of an era of beauty

that surrenders to the ravages of time

To live again in each performance

trumpeted scenes of past grandeur

The bass-baritone undertone of the sinister

single beating echoes in the caves of darkness

Soprano sketching out expansive emotion

 she holds each note in the flux of heaven

Chorus connects to human consciousness

humming the grieving  reaction to a death

As the punctured skin bleeds

so too does the wounded soul sigh

and in these sighs, one hears music.

On hearing him play: An ode to musicianship

(Dedicated to T.P)

Steinway voluptuousness

poised seductively upon the stage

Spotlit footsteps disrupt the moment of admiration

pages turn to the beginning

the anticipation felt as musical inspiration is inhaled

beauteous voice exhaled

Seeing him play

beholding a dreamer’s dream

voyeuristic fantasy

he is not here

he has stolen the moment to share

with his beloved, Music

in an intimate embrace

Hearing him play

flawless interpretation boldly resonates

how could each note echo a heartbeat?

lest it is from the one heart

as familiar voice whispers

sensuous secrets to delight

each nuance fully expressed

Remembering the moment

emotions evoked

the inner pool stirred with each finger

stillness rippled by the dimensions of emotion

the body recalls

visceral performance

shaped by the hands of an artist.

Connection

We only have these moments

tiny connections

to hold onto

as life slips through our fingers.